Surrendering

I have officially surrendered to the universe. Let me back up and tell you where I am, what got me here, and what my non-plan plan is. For all of 2023 every fiber of my being was screaming at me that I no longer belonged at my job. I successfully ignored that scream for most of the year. The “I don’t belong here anymore” voice became so powerful that I impulsively quit my job on September 29th. Mostly impulsively, anyway. I did the responsible thing and made sure that I had enough money to survive a few months before needing income. I ended up agreeing to work for my company for 60 more days so that they could find my replacement and have time to train them. December 1st was my hard out and then I planned on spending two weeks living the funemployed life in LA before going back to New Jersey for two weeks at Christmas. And then one of my favorite things happened, life threw me a curveball. During the summer I had had these visions of me packing up the gallery wall in my bedroom but didn’t expect what was coming next. In my mind that was in the not-so-distant, but still far enough away, future. My roommate, Juliana, and I would part ways amicably once we grew into our new selves and new lives. All in due time. Before resigning I had budgeted three months in my current living situation in the apartment that we had been in for 3 years. Turns out the universe always has another plan. The week after I quit my job, I barely saw Jules. I knew something was up, but I had no idea quite how crazy it was going to be. One week after I resigned, I was sitting at the dining room table eating dinner when she walked in the door. She kept saying life was crazy and this was crazy and there had been a lot going on. I had also eaten half an edible, so there’s that. After a lot of pacing back and forth and unpacking groceries she finally started to tell me what was happening. She was marrying her boyfriend of four months. WHAT. THE. FUCK. Yes. So here we are and I’m high and I’m processing, and my mind just went to all of the additional things that I would have to deal with now as she was telling me her story. She is, of course, pacing and telling me she’ll help me, and she knows this is unexpected and a lot is happening. In my mind I have already calculated what my monthly budget is and precisely how much less time I will have to enjoy my mini sabbatical because I now need a deposit for my new apartment and new furniture for said space. My brain cuts to my couch being sold, dining room set sold, everything gone. And then I snap back into the moment and hear Juliana talking about this decision that she sounds both unsure of and very sure of at the same time. She’s asking me if I think she is crazy and I’m responding that it’s a little crazy, but only she knows what she needs to do. We cried together because everything that we had been and experienced together for the last three years brought us to this moment. I could not have gone through Jobe’s passing without her in that space. I could not have gone through the absolute stress ball that life became after he died without her. For the last few years, we had both been experiencing our own versions of hermit mode. It was nice to live with someone who needed as much alone time as I did, but who was also down for a spontaneous trip to Yosemite or Joshua Tree. Someone who understood that we were both going through something separate, yet together. It was like the universe stuck us in apartment 103 to make sure that we could do what we needed to do, but not fall too far into the black hole. She introduced me to astrology which started me down the path of spirituality and healing. I started getting into Tarot and learning about crystals and candle magic and pendulums. This journey began because she helped open my eyes to the tools. And now this chapter was over. In this moment, crying in the dining room together over our mutual appreciation for each other and the time we had spent together, it was over. The grieving for this chapter of my life began. I am eternally grateful for everything that has happened and cannot wait to see what is to come. My non-plan plan for the future is to allow what is meant for me to come to me. Enter: Spiritual Gnome. I can’t wait to explore this journey with you.

After Jules & I finished talking, I walked into my bedroom and said, “Thank You, Universe.”

The change I had been asking for was here.